The First 99 Days
AS MEMBERS in feeble standing of the tiresome, usually off-base and always vapid Chattering Class Media, Phoebe and Cat sat down today to assess Donald J. Trump’s first 99 days in office, thus getting the jump on the rest of the Punditry Commentariate, who will be dishing out endless blather tomorrow, the official 100-day mark.
You know what happens to honest, hard-working American cats? Too often, American cats languish in shelters – shelters that have “time-limits,” if you get my meaning. America is overrun by illegal immigrant cats. Alien cats that steal our food, slaughter our mice. These are the kind of cats that don’t share our values, unbaptized cats that are a danger to our national security.
This ends now. Today, I’m signing an executive order that will ban any cat emigrating from Canada or Mexico for the next 150 years. This order will quadruple the number of animal control officers, who will go to every home in America searching for illegal cats. There will be no sanctuary homes for cats when we get finished. Any cat found not to be appropriately American will be sent back to his or her country of origin, or better still to a shelter, the kind with “time limits."
Today, on the100th day that I wish I could always be at Mar-a-Lago, I will sign a wonderful new executive order. It will be the most beautiful and longest executive order ever written. I will declare that today is National Cats Have Nothing to Worry About Day.