TALKING HEADS
The First 99 Days
A Conversation
April 28, 2017
AS MEMBERS in feeble standing of the tiresome, usually off-base and always vapid Chattering Class Media, Phoebe and Cat sat down today to assess Donald J. Trump’s first 99 days in office, thus getting the jump on the rest of the Punditry Commentariate, who will be dishing out endless blather tomorrow, the official 100-day mark.
AS MEMBERS in feeble standing of the tiresome, usually off-base and always vapid Chattering Class Media, Phoebe and Cat sat down today to assess Donald J. Trump’s first 99 days in office, thus getting the jump on the rest of the Punditry Commentariate, who will be dishing out endless blather tomorrow, the official 100-day mark.
PHOEBE - Let me just say that this has been as awful as everyone said it would be. Donald J. Trump, the president, is just the same as Donald J. Trump, the candidate: a vile, cruel, erratic, incompetent huckster, who disgraces democracy with his serial lies and endangers the entire planet with his impulsive and infantile whims.
CAT - Really?
Never in my seven years (49-human-equivalent) have I felt as miserable as I have since the horror of election night, Nov. 8, 2016. I go to bed scared. I wake up scared. I spend every waking minute of the day scared.
Honestly, Sweet Dog, how has your life really changed since the inauguration? Am I imagining that you still get two helpings of Natural Balance sweet-potato-and-chicken mini-chunks in your bowl every day and unlimited refills of foul-tasting Newport, R.I. tap water? Don’t you go for walks every day along the ocean with the Grouchy One? Doesn’t the Nice One let you sleep on your choice of two couches, a doggie bed and various sun-splashed rugs?
So you are okay that a madman is in charge of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal? That he will get to appoint umpteen hundreds of federal judges and lots more Supreme Court judges? That he’s trying to re-pollute the air and the water? That he’s soft on the Russians, but mad at the Canadians?
I’m saying that life is pretty much the same as it was 99 days ago. The Grouchy One keeps my kitty litter box respectable. The Nice One is generous with treats. I sleep 23 hours a day. No complaints here in Cat World.
What about how Trump demonizes immigrants?
I don’t know any immigrants.
Cat, Cat, Cat! We’ve been through that. You came from some shelter in Fall River, Massachusetts, and lord only knows where you were before that. You might even be a Canadian cat.
So what?
If Trump can demonize human immigrants, how about immigrant cats? Let’s just imagine that, as a candidate, Trump complained that immigrant cats are being adopted into homes that rightfully should be reserved for American cats.
You know what happens to honest, hard-working American cats? Too often, American cats languish in shelters – shelters that have “time-limits,” if you get my meaning. America is overrun by illegal immigrant cats. Alien cats that steal our food, slaughter our mice. These are the kind of cats that don’t share our values, unbaptized cats that are a danger to our national security.
This ends now. Today, I’m signing an executive order that will ban any cat emigrating from Canada or Mexico for the next 150 years. This order will quadruple the number of animal control officers, who will go to every home in America searching for illegal cats. There will be no sanctuary homes for cats when we get finished. Any cat found not to be appropriately American will be sent back to his or her country of origin, or better still to a shelter, the kind with “time limits."
You know what happens to honest, hard-working American cats? Too often, American cats languish in shelters – shelters that have “time-limits,” if you get my meaning. America is overrun by illegal immigrant cats. Alien cats that steal our food, slaughter our mice. These are the kind of cats that don’t share our values, unbaptized cats that are a danger to our national security.
This ends now. Today, I’m signing an executive order that will ban any cat emigrating from Canada or Mexico for the next 150 years. This order will quadruple the number of animal control officers, who will go to every home in America searching for illegal cats. There will be no sanctuary homes for cats when we get finished. Any cat found not to be appropriately American will be sent back to his or her country of origin, or better still to a shelter, the kind with “time limits."
You liberals are crazy, paranoid, over-the-top. You spend your days lapping up fake news fed to you 24-7 by the failing New York Times and the about-to-be-defunded NPR. There is NO executive order deporting cats.
I know there isn’t, Cat. I’m just trying to explain the danger this guy poses in terms that even a cat can understand.
Okay, I’ll play your little game, Phoebe. Let’s say that Donald J. Trump did promise that during his first 100 days in office that he’ll deport all illegal cats.
Like I said.
Good. Now let’s review the record of the last 99 days. Trump promised to get rid of Obamacare.
Yes.
Trump promised to build a big, beautiful wall on the Mexican border and he said that he would make the Mexicans pay for it.
True.
Trump promised to bring back American jobs, teach China a lesson about currency manipulation, cancel NAFTA, drain the Swamp, release his taxes when they’re audited and do something about student loans.
Okay, Cat. This is getting to be almost as boring as a Clinton I’m-still-here speech.
My point is that Trump, the president, doesn’t necessarily do what Trump, the candidate, promised. Trump, the president, doesn’t necessarily do what Trump, the president, promises. He’s a chronic flip-flopper.
He is.
Let’s get back to your condescending, dumbed-down and absurd hypothesis about an Alien Cat Deportation Executive Order. Let’s just say that he actually does that.
Just the point I was trying to make.
But that would NOT be something that I or any other cat would need to worry about.
Why? It’s just the sort of thing Donald Trump does. Wouldn’t you be scared?
Not at all. We don’t have to be scared by anything that Trump promises to do.
Then what would scare you?
What would scare me is if Donald J. Trump gives an interview to the failing New York Times, telling the reporter that he loves cats.
I see where you’re going.
To continue the nightmare: At 4:38 a.m. Donald J. Tweets the following:
Today, on the100th day that I wish I could always be at Mar-a-Lago, I will sign a wonderful new executive order. It will be the most beautiful and longest executive order ever written. I will declare that today is National Cats Have Nothing to Worry About Day.
Today, on the100th day that I wish I could always be at Mar-a-Lago, I will sign a wonderful new executive order. It will be the most beautiful and longest executive order ever written. I will declare that today is National Cats Have Nothing to Worry About Day.
That really would be scary.
Totally.
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