Blog Archives

Day 400

2/23/2018

Calendar Callout

On Day 400,
Our List:
Trump’s Top 10 TerribleThings

CALENDAR is the work of photographer Richard Benjamin.

   CAT AND I HAD one of our nastier arguments today, which is unusual.
   It's not to say that we ordinarily get along, because we don’t. Cat ambushes me whenever I go up (or down) the stairs. And I – as you would, too – chase her away from my food bowl, even when it’s empty. I JUST CAN’T STAND IT when she cruises my dish.
   But we’re professionals. When it comes to writing this blog, we are all business. We knock around ideas, work on “ledes” (that’s newspaper lingo for the first paragraph or opening to a story), and we conduct reasoned discussions about how to approach this Trump thing.
   However, today, when the calendar calls for our latest Top Ten list, things got ugly right out of the starting gate. And looking back on it, there’s good reason. Because, really, how can you rank the terrible things Trump has done, is doing and is planning to do? A numbered list, whether it’s the Top 10 beaches, or the Top 10 tastiest decayed animals on the side of the road, presupposes that things are ranked, so that Number One is the very worst and Number 10 is somewhat less worse than Number Three. Or Five.
   So when Cat proposed starting off with “Increases the Chance of Nuclear War," I countered with “Lies All the Time,” Cat went a little nuclear.
    “Jesus, this is Cat speaking. If You can hear me, Jesus, will You knock some sense into feeble Phoebe’s mini-brain, which, after all, You created, just as You have Meow Mix, rotting birds and crumbs for the dog’s dish, and tell her just how terrible nuclear weapons are? Fire and brimstone, with which I am sure You are quite familiar, but only worse, which, of course You know already, given who You are.”
   “A lie is the root of all that's wrong, Cat," I said.
   “Lies lead to every other terrible thing,” I continued. “So if Trump orders the eradication of North Korea, he’ll make up a reason, saying Rocket Man was attacking, or concoct some sort of Gulf of Trump Declaration, or explain that Mueller's getting too close, and millions of Koreans in the south and the north will be fried and radiated.
   “China, in turn, could get really mad, because Korea is too near its food bowl, and besides, it's been itching to see how its nuclear weapons, rockets, space satellites, high tech communications, etc., will work, and why not try them out on Taiwan, and maybe lob a few at where the Transcontinental Railway used to be, settling some scores about how its countrymen were treated way, way back in U.S. history, and then Russia will respond with its nukes, along with Iran, which will say to the rest world: ‘Fooled you!’
   “It all starts with a lie,” I said.
   Our list:

   #1 – Trump lies. Lots of the time. By some counts, he tells a lie, or makes a false or misleading claim four or five times a day, more than 2,000 since he was inaugurated. That has paralyzed democracy. Nobody believes a word he says, even though he is quoted extensively, and the media, politicians, academics, foreign powers and the rest of us puzzle constantly about what he really thinks. Which is ridiculous, since he doesn’t think beyond the basic functions of his lower brain stem. Lying is infectious, and we start to believe there is no truth, and therefore, nothing matters.

   #2 – Trump may start a nuclear war. He speaks of it casually, sometimes like a kid looking forward to lighting a firecracker; goads his North Korean equivalent with insults. And our Cold War system of deterrence, which relies on a quick response to a first strike by the Other Side, leaves the sole decision to launch to a person who has no soul.

   #3 – Trump is killing the planet. Is there really a difference between this and #2? Both will end life as we know it. Maybe this is even worse. Perhaps Trump’s first nuclear bomb strike won’t lead to a chain reaction, as it were. But if we destroy the planet, then we and all of our other carbon-based cousins are toast.

   #4 – Trump is racist. Again, there are lots of folks who are going to never speak to either Cat or Phoebe for not putting this up much higher. Starting with his attack on immigrants, and continuing with his welcoming attitude towards white supremacists, tongue lashings against black athletes, Trump has let loose the meanest impulses of the American character. We are a nation that built its first economy on slavery. We murdered, betrayed and marginalized Native Americans. Our history is cratered with anti-Semitism, anti-Irish, anti-Italian, anti-Japanese, anti-Mexican bias. At the same time, our country fought a Civil War and conducted at Civil Rights crusade to reverse that. Now Trump is on a mission to reawaken the hatred that hides within our barbarian genes.

   #5 – Trump divides us. This may be a subset of #4, but we think there’s a difference. The shock of the 2016 election is that our friends, neighbors, relatives and fellow Americans voted for Donald Trump. Half of America. Now we don’t trust each other. We no longer have political, let alone, casual conversations with the girl next door, our classmates, the shopper ahead of us in the checkout line, the driver tailgating us, or in Cat’s and Phoebe’s case, the vet with whom we have our annual checkup next month.

   #6 – Trump is a traitor. Maybe he's actually Putin’s puppet, because the Russian has a video tape and 1,458 contracts showing that he owns Trump Tower and the rest of presidential empire, and therefore Trump worked with our Cold War nemesis to trump Hillary. Or maybe he’s a traitor by failing to mount a full-scale defense against Putin’s continuing war against our voting system. But our Top Guy, our Chief Executive, our Commander-in-Chief, our Leader of the Free World – acts too cozily with the Other Side.

   #7 – Trump is a lout. The person who should be a role model is the one uncouth, rude, boorish, unprincipled, slovenly adult with big name recognition that you don’t want your children, puppies and kittens to grow up to be like, or, in fact, be with in the same room. Remember when Trump had children of the White House press corps drop into the Oval Office in their Halloween costumes? Phoebe and Cat seriously considered calling the Child Welfare Hotline to report the parents. The White House press corps knows what sort of human being Trump is, far better than anyone else on what’s left of the planet.

   #8 – Trump’s deregulation campaign makes us sick and unsafe. Every important regulation is born of tragedy, a civilized attempt to prevent a past disaster from becoming today’s and tomorrow’s headlines. Regulations keep our houses from catching fire, blowing down and sinking into the ground. They prevent oil spills, car accidents, gas main explosions, nuclear plant meltdowns. Regulations make the water drinkable, fishable and swimmable, allow us to breath the air, dig in our playground sand boxes and safely take our prescriptions. Regulations are our learning curve, our attempt avoid making the same mistake twice, and thereby prevent death and disaster.

   WELL, THAT'S A WRAP. We’re done.
   Yes, we set out to do 10. But this exercise is so heartbreaking and infuriating, do you really want us to keep going?
   If so, fine. Feel free to add your own #9 and #10. Our own complete list might have included No White House Pets.
   Maybe public schools are your definition of what makes America great. Or Social Security, a balanced budget, affordable housing, wilderness lands, renewable energy, health care for all.
   Every area of American life, every advance, improvement, shared value and tradition Donald Trump and his Republican enablers are spoiling and desecrating, or they will when they get around to it.
   But frankly, that’s enough for today, because eight is already too many, and frankly, a fair and full list can’t possibly stop at 10.
   And we have to get ready for tomorrow and then for the week after next.
   We’ll be positive whenever possible. Not about Trump. But positive about the things that lots of Americans – even a simple dog and a sort-of-savvy cat – can do, should do and possibly will do.
   Tomorrow is Day 401, and Day 402 is lurking.
   The calendar is our enemy. And our opportunity.

Day 396

2/19/2018

On Presidents Day, A Girl's Thoughts Turn To... IMPEACHMENT

   “SO, ARTICLE III, Section 3, is pretty much out of the question,” I said out loud, to nobody in particular.
   Cat was within earshot. And while he doesn’t belong to, in your wildest imagination, that subgenus of Felis Catus known as Curious, he felt free to butt in. Truth to tell, on any given day Cat doesn’t have that much else to do.
   “What are you talking to yourself about?” Cat demanded.
   “It’s Presidents Day,” I said. “So I looked up stuff about treason in the Constitution, to see how it applies to getting rid of Trump.”
   “You are such a very strange animal, Phoebe," he said. “First of all, it IS a holiday, so why not give your Trump obsession a rest? And second, you can’t even catch a tennis ball and bring it back the same day; but now, you’re telling me you're some kind of a constitutional scholar?”
   “The danger that Donald Trump poses to this country never takes a holiday,” I said.
   “But treason, Phoebe? What does treason have to do with Trump?” Cat said.

   “THE GUY SEEMS the very embodiment of treason,” I said. “Our main man, the Most Incredibly Honorable Mueller, comes out with a set of indictments that show just how the Russians messed with the election, in really frightening ways, and Trump’s reaction is that it shows that he’s in the clear. 'What did I tell you folks: No collusion.' ”
    Cat added: “And he said that it was President Obama who didn’t stop the Russians from interfering with the election in which there was no interference, because I won.”
   “Cat, you ARE paying attention,” I said. “The worst thing Trump did was Tweet that if the FBI hadn’t been so focused on linking him with the Russians, maybe they wouldn’t have ignored the tip that a guy was planning to murder 17 students at a Florida high school. Using dead students to make his lying case.”
   “Calm down, Rabid One," Cat counseled. "Granted, Trump’s a creep; But what says the Distinguished Professor of Armchair Retrospectivity that being a creep has anything to do with treason?”
   “He’s the gosh darn Commander-in-Chief, and he isn’t doing a thing – not one thing – to do stop the Russians from attacking the most important part of democracy, our right to vote,” I said, shouting so that my girlish nose turned a frightening shade of pink. "Isn’t that treason?”
   “You’re the red-nosed professor,” Cat said. “You tell me: is it treason?”

"PROBABLY NOT," I said. “Here’s treason in Founding-Fathers-Speak, going back to the aforementioned Article III, Section 3:”

   Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort.

   “Seems straightforward to me,” Cat said. “At the very least, by not doing anything, not lifting a finger, not combing his hair a different way, not addressing the nation in prime time:
   My Fellow Americans, I know you all would rather be watching reruns of "The Apprentice." But I am talking you tonight from the Oval Office on a matter of the utmost urgency: our beloved United States of America is under attack...."
   “You’d think Do-Nothing Donald is aiding and comforting; and adhering for sure," he said.
   “But because you’re a cat, and not a worm of the bookish kind, you’d be wrong," I said.
   "You forgot about the first part, the levying War part," I said. "There apparently has to be a declared war for there to be treason. And we’re not exactly at war with Russia. We hang out on the space station with the Russians, sell them wheat and hold Miss Universe pageants in Moscow.”
   “So treason is out,” Cat said. “Isn’t the Constitution worth the parliament it’s written on?”
   “That would be parchment, Cat,” I said.
   “There actually is something that might apply to Trump. And for that, Mr. Fur Ball, we turn now to Article II, Section 1, which has the Oath the president has to swear when inaugurated.”
   “You mean, there’s a law about the president swearing,” Cat said. “This one swears all the time. Didn’t he use the word ‘shithouse’ or was it ‘shithole?’ And he Tweeted the word ‘ass’ recently."
   “This is why cats should stick to their living room couches and let the dogs dig up the law of the land,” I said. “Here’s what Article II, Section 1, says, in part:

   Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:—"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

   “You mean, that if Hillary had won, she couldn’t take the Oath or the Affirmation, meaning that no matter what the Russians did, Trump was the only viable candidate, him being a 'he?' And no 'she's' can be President.”
   “I wish cats would, as the saying goes, ‘get their tongues’ and choke on them,” I said.
   “That Oath means that the president shall do his (or her) best to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution, which HE’s shown absolutely no interest in doing.”
   “Case closed, slam dunk,” Cat shouted. “Now all we have to do is elect lots of Democrats to Congress this fall, and say: ‘Senators and Representatives, Start Your Impeachment Proceedings.’ ”
   "That's assuming...," I said.
   "Assuming what?" Cat said.
   “That's assuming it's okay with the Russians."

Day 392

2/15/2018

SEARCHING FOR THE BIG ANSWERS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

"SO, WHERE YOU GUYS BEEN?” Cat asked when the Grouchy One and I returned from our morning walk.
   “You don’t care where we went,” I retorted.
   “Got that right,” Cat said. “I was just trying to make conversation. Chatty Catty, that’s me.”
      “And sorry that you made it back,” Cat mumbled under his (bad) breath.
   “What did you say?” I challenged him.
   “I said, ‘ Watdicha see?’” Cat said.
   “A Ford pickup with a really mean bumper sticker,” I said. “Something like:
   MAKE HOCKEY VIOLENT AGAIN.
   “Awesome,” said Cat.

“I REALLY COULDN'T believe my soulful brown eyes,” I said, “so I asked Grouchy to snap a couple of pictures.”
   “And did he put up a fuss about that, Phoebe?” Cat asked. “Human Ones usually don’t like to be told what to do, especially by the likes of us.”
    "I told him it was for the blog, so he said ‘Fine. Phoebe, fine. FINE!’”
   “Why did you want a picture?” Cat said.
    I told Cat, it was because I was feeling pretty out of sorts – not as disagreeable as Grouchy – but near enough. And that was because of the school shooting in Florida yesterday, which was Valentine’s Day. Seventeen dead; 14 wounded; shooter captured; a 19-year-old whack job.”
   “What did that have to do with the bumper sticker on the Ford?” Cat said.
   “I just thought that’s the problem, you know,” I explained. “Idiots urging violence.”
   “You are such a dork,” Cat said.

“LATER, WE SAW another message,” I said. “This one was a sticker on the rear window of a car.”
    “And?”
    FIGHTING
   HATE
   TEACHING
   TOLERANCE
   SEEKING
JUSTICE
   “And it did make me feel better. And what’s more, it was next to another sticker:
     I STAND WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD.
   "Which took some balls," I said, "given that the car was in the faculty parking lot at a Catholic university.”
   “I see what you mean,” Cat said.
   “Yesterday, in addition to being Valentine’s Day, was also Ash Wednesday, and didn’t the Catholic Bishop of Rhode Island lead a march on Planned Parenthood’s offices? Takes some gumption to park your car in that place that with that sticker,” Cat said admiringly.
    “Not just any car, either, Cat,” I said. “Those stickers were on a fuel-stingy PRIUS.”
   “Sticking up for the environment, too,” Cat said, now openly sarcastic.

   CAT AND I GOT to wondering about the violent hockey bumper sticker, so we Googled the slogan. Were we shocked? You bet. We’d been had!
   The sticker came from an outfit called “Violent Gentlemen,” a company that sells T-shirts, hats and other swag with tongue-in-cheek slogans. It’s run by a former hockey star, George Parros, who was known in his playing-and-fighting days as an “enforcer.” Later, Parros became – get this – Player Safety Director for the National Hockey League.
   “There’s your lesson of the day,” Cat said.
   “What’s that?” I said.
   “That maybe you shouldn’t be looking at bumper stickers for answers to the Big Questions,” he said.
   “Anything else?”
   “And maybe Phoebe, the Sweet Dog, ought to lighten up, and not take everything she hears on the news so seriously.”
   “A little hard,” I said, “not to be upset about another mass murder at a school.”
   “Point taken,” Cat said. “In fact, while you guys were out photographing rear bumpers, the President of the United Sates was speaking about the Florida shooting, and he said no kid should have to be scared at school, and that somebody ought to do something about mental health.”
   “Did he say anything about guns?” I asked. “The guy who did the shooting was using an AR-15, the semi-automatic of choice in any schoolyard.”
   “Nope, nothing on the gun front, My Girl,” Cat said.
   “But maybe we ought to cut the guy some slack," Cat said. "It’s been a rough several days for him. Just two days ago, Trump was forced to say something about being against domestic violence; then today, he’s supposed to say something about a mass shooting in a way that won’t piss off the NRA.”
   “Next thing, you know,” I said, “Trump will show up at that $30-million military parade he’s planning some time soon for Washington, driving a Prius.”
   “Anything’s possible,” said Cat.

Day 381

2/4/2018

In Trump’s America
Who Should Be Watching the Super Bowl?
A white dog?
A trendy cat?

   “SO CAT, ARE we going to watch the Super Bowl, tonight?” I asked.
    “Is that even a question?” Cat said. “Of course. We’re Americans. American Animals. Everybody will be watching. I’ll be in majority for once, a trendy cat. Go Pats.”
   “Maybe you should reconsider,” I said. “For one thing, to understate the case, not everyone likes the New England Patriots. And what’s more, did you see that NBC/Wall Street Journal poll about football?”
   “No, I’m a fun-loving, all-American cat. Cats who have fun don’t watch the polls, they watch football,” he said.
   “Maybe you ought to take a look at this one, though,” I said. “It found that the percentage of people who “closely follow” the National Football League is dropping. This year only 49 percent said: ‘Yup, I’m following the NFL closely.' But in 2014 – five January’s ago – 58 percent said they were. That’s a 9 point drop.”
   “But Phoebe, that’s still nearly half of the United States of America,” Cat said, “more than enough to get Trump elected. Go Pats!”
   “Plus, in a divided country, at least the one thing Americans can agree on is that football is our sport, the national pastime, the sport of us all, the top dog of sports, if you will.”

   “FLAG ON THAT on that play, Trendy One,” I said. “Remember, this is Donald Trump’s America. Everything is different. Let’s go back to the tape, or at least to the poll I was talking about.”
   “The analysts – every game has them – dug deeper and asked how the races are viewing football."
   "Fewer white people, 47 percent now, compared to 59 percent in 2014, are following closely, down 12 points. African Americans? Up 1 point. Hispanics, up 2,” I said.
    “This tells me nothing,” Cat said.
   “Try this gender analysis: our poll-cats scratched deeper, and came up with this stunner,” I said.

Credit: NBC News

    "That’s WHITE MEN DOWN 22 FREAKING POINTS!”
   “ So, you are a white dog, Phoebe; I’m a brown and gray striped cat, who is, I’m told, somewhat on the handsome side,” said Cat. "What's that have to do with anything?"
   “Actually, you are totally off-sides, Concussion Cat,” I said. “Let’s look at some previous footage. We’re going back, back, back, way back in the Way Back Machine to 2016.”
   “Which was a long time ago,” Cat agreed.

   I TOLD HIM that was the year when San Francisco 49ers' quarterback Colin Kaepernick began protesting mistreatment of blacks, eventually kneeling during the pre-game National Anthem, leading to similar protests this year by other players.
    Of course, Trump strapped on his sharpest bigotry cleats and jumped into the game, seizing the chance to demonstrate presidential leadership.
   At a rally in Alabama, he raged:
    Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, “Get that son of a bitch off the field right now. Out. He’s fired. He’s fired!"
   Trump went so far as to urge a boycott of the NFL, tweeting:
   If NFL fans refuse to go to games until players stop disrespecting our Flag & Country, you will see change take place fast. Fire or suspend!
   And he alluded to the issue in his state of the union talk.
   “So where does that leave us?” Cat asked, perplexed and downcast. “I suppose it means that we can’t watch the Super Bowl.”
   “To the contrary,” I said. “Let’s get back to the poll. It also broke down interest in football in crude political terms. Turns out that Republican obsession with football is down 15 points, compared to a drop of 8 points for Democrats and 4 for Independents."

   “Meaning?” Cat asked
   “Our Super Bowl decisions should track Superman’s values: ‘Truth, Justice and the American Way.’ It’s our duty to WATCH the Super Bowl.”
    “I’m even more confused,” Cat groused.
   “Don’t be,” I said. “Trump wants us not to watch. Therefore, we must.”
   “Understood,” Cat said.
   “There’s always the commercials,” I said. “Everyone loves to pick the winners and losers.”
    “What’s your favorite?” Cat asked.
   “Beer commercials can be pretty wild,” I said. “I particularly like one with the slogan:"
     It’s Mueller Time.
   “Go Eagles,” Cat said.

A "sweet dog" and a smart opossum consider a nation at risk.

The writers

PHOEBE, a "sweet dog" who came to Rhode Island in 2010 as a stray puppy from Missouri, was a political agnostic until Trump's catastrophic election. She tracked his presidency in a blog, which she decided to resurrect it this year when it became obvious that Republicans are committed to Trump's destructive policies

MR. O, an opossum, showed up in Phoebe's backyard somewhat mysteriously. He turned out to have genuine insight into political matters, and he agreed to assume co-author duties of the blog after Phoebe's previous writing partner, Cat, a cat, died.

CAT

Day 400

Calendar Callout On Day 400,Our List:Trump’s Top 10 TerribleThings