AS PHOEBE TURNS 9, SHE VOWS TO 'LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE'
But Cat asks: Who's happy about Individual One's latest winning streak?
“Who cares,” Cat said, without putting a question mark on it, meaning: “Leave me alone, mangy cur.”
“It’s the day after my birthday, so you should cut me a little slack,” I said.
“Button it up,” Cat growled. “The only thing anything people care less about than what an 8-year-old dog has to say is what one who’s just turned 9 thinks.”
“The new approach, from now on,” I chirped, “is looking on the bright side. And do you want to know why?"
“Well, now that I’m headed down the wrong side of the Age Divide, I’m going to make every day count – at least I’m going to try, and the best way – the only way – to do that is be positive.”
“Look out the window, Norman Vincent Pooch," Cat said. "It’s rained for 78 days in a row; it’s cold; and clammy; there’s green slime growing everywhere. When it's not raining, it's gray. The sky is gray. The seashore's gray."
"And individual One is on a winning streak. He’s heading for reelection, Phoebe,” Cat said. “Clear sailing next year, right back into the White House. And this time, he won’t need help from the Russians, not that that will stop the Commies doing what they do best: come to the aid of the Party.”
“It’s exactly what I mean,” I said. “It’s your kind of defeatist attitude that guarantees Individual One will be around for years to come. Shrug your shoulders. Throw your paws up in the air. And wait for inevitable defeat.”
Cat yawned. Then he said: “Here are some new numbers that even an aging PhoebeAnna can appreciate:
- GDP: up over 3 percent.
- Unemployment: 3.6 percent, lowest in half a century.
- Wages: up 3.6 percent.
"Not particularly," I said.
- According to the Gallup Poll, Individual One’s approval rating is: 46 percent. As in nearly half of the voters give a thumbs up to the most racist, cruel, law-breaking, crude, lying, nuclear-armed psychopath-in-chief in U.S. history.
- Republicans loving the president: 91 percent.
The long-awaited report from Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III became public April 18. The wait is over. The report is 448 pages long, but let’s settle for just one paragraph – the one that broke the hearts of 65,853,514 people who voted for The Other One in 2016:
Although the investigation established that the Russian government perceived it would benefit from a Trump presidency and worked to secure that outcome, and that the Campaign expected it would benefit electorally from information stolen and released through Russian efforts, the investigation did not establish that members of the Trump Campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in its election interference activities. (Emphasis added).
“And here we all were, convinced that Putin-the-Puppet-Master was pulling the strings, and that Mueller – the most trusted lawman in the West - would prove in no uncertain terms that Russian loans, Russian videos, Russian hotels, or some other form of Russian Kompromat would be so overwhelming that not even a Republican Toady could withstand the blinding rays of the truth that would set us free."
“The evidence would be so solid – because Mueller knew everything about the rotten underbelly of the Individual One/Russian Conspiracy – that even before Nancy Pelosi could say ‘Impeachment,’ or Mike Pence could say ‘I do solemnly swear,’ the Nation would be glued to our TVs, iPhones and devices, seeing once again live shots of a resigned, disgraced president standing in the doorway of Marine One, giving the Nixon Goodbye Wave before the chopper whisked him away to the Individual One Golf & Luxury Resort at Guantanamo. History would repeat itself. Another Watergate happy ending."
"But that's not happening, Phoebe. Not happening."
But before anyone can read the actual report, Barr is the the first to speak, putting out a distorted and misleading version, the infamous four-page summary, plus another written statement the day of, which becomes the lasting, dominant version in the public’s mind."
“One of Barr’s many lies was that, Hamlet-like and indecisive Mueller left to the Justice Department whether to charge the president with obstruction of justice. So Barr grabbed the rudder to the ship of state, and steered it to the safe harbor of Not Guilty."
"But when you read the report’s summary, it’s Congress that Muller keeps mentioning as to who could be calling the shots on obstruction of justice."
"What’s more, not only did Barr personally rule that Individual One did not obstruct, he adopted the president’s own language of “no collusion,” portraying Individual One as terribly upset that the wrong-headed investigation would unfairly derail his presidency. The President's Poodle wrote on April 18:
As the Special Counsel’s report acknowledges, there is substantial evidence to show that the President was frustrated and angered by a sincere belief that the investigation was undermining his presidency, propelled by his political opponent, and fuel by illegal leaks.
“Gosh darn it all to heck, Phoebe, what crooked president wouldn’t be ticked off and do everything possible to protect the sacred office of the presidency, which, after all, is in the Constitution?”
“Hardly,” the fiendish feline purred. “Remember how the House of Representatives, solidly Democratic after the mid-term elections, was going to restore the Constitutional balance of power to the United States government and curb Individual One’s excesses?"
“Please don’t take this personally, Sweet Pooch, but as a Watchdog, Congress has turned out to be pretty toothless. Individual One has caught on, too:. Stonewall. Ignore. Go to court. Drag it out. Tweet. Re-Tweet. Hey, House of Representatives, I double dare you. Triple dare you. Silly House, remember this: the only house that counts in my town is the White House.”
“Barr’s with him on that, too,” Cat continued. “Barr was a no-show a House Judiciary Committee meeting, objecting to Chairman Jerry Nadler’s insistence that the committee's staff lawyers question Barr, as well has House committee members. So, who looks petty? Nadler. Why fuss over the staff lawyers? Can’t elected members of Congress ask their own questions? Two-thirds are probably lawyers anyway. Silly House. Silly Jerry.”
“Nope,” Cat said, with a smile. It turns out that cats can do that – smile – although no one ever said cat smiles are nice smiles.
“Look at all the Democrats running for president,” Cat said in his folksy way. “Why, there’s more candidates than there are claws on 9-year- Old Dog. None of the Democrats are as well-known and media savvy as Individual One.And the one Democrat who seems to be the most popular at the moment is former Vice President Joe Biden, and look what his “fellow” Democrats are doing to him:”
“They’re hacking Joe to death: Too old. Too touchy- feely. Too burdened by past mistakes. Like, long ago, when Biden, as chairman of the Senate committee holding hearings on Clarence Thomas’ nomination to the Supreme Court, wouldn’t allow in more witnesses to back up Anita Hill’s allegations that Thomas was a perv. And you want to know how one of those would-be witnesses now describes what she thought of Joe Biden at the time?”
“… prattling, ineffectual lump of nothingness.” That's what Angela Wright-Shannon wrote in the Washington Post. To be fair, Wright-Shannon went on to acknowledge that Biden later sponsored legislation protecting domestic violence victims, and she said the point of her essay was to name Thomas as the real scoundrel."
"But still, that phrase – prattling, ineffectual lump of nothingness – kind of lingers as we close in on 2020. Fits nicely into a Tweet, too.”
“Now let’s say Old Joe lives another year, long enough to run, and he turns out to be the only candidate who can beat Individual One? By then, the Democrats have already savaged and torn Old Joe into little bits so that he’s no longer viable or effective."
"How do you like them apples, Oh Cheery One?" Cat said. "Where’s the bright side?"
“Well,” I said after a long pause, “I’ll have to get back to you on that.”