IN '18, HE'll BE JUST AS MEAN
What's Donald Trump's Plan for Next Year?
I ASKED CAT what he thinks Trump’s mean program is for 2018.
“Assuming he’s still president,” Cat said.
I congratulated Cat for continuing to indulge in the national fantasy – that Trump will be gone from the White House before you can say “Nice dog” or “Look at her cute eyelashes.”
What do I know, I'm just a dog? But of all the ways in which we’ve underestimated Trump, the most delusional is that some big event, maybe some constitutional mechanism will expel him, just because he’s unqualified, unprincipled, inexperienced, immoral and repulsive.
Not happening. We're at Day 296, on the 11th day of the 11th month of the fast-fading first year, and it’s time we began looking around the corner.
So I said to Cat: “What mean things will Trump do next year?”
“What’s left?” Cat said. “He’s done so much already.”
True. It's a long list, too much time just to type it all here. But the general theme is clear:
Afflict the afflicted; comfort the comfortable.
Pick on the sick. Send immigrants “home,” even if they’ve lived here most of their lives. Suffocate asthmatics with coal fumes. Suck up to dictators. Praise neo-Nazis. Paper-towel the Puerto Ricans. Bully the press. Insult war widows...."
“So our assignment is - what? Cat asked.
“To imagine the unimaginable,” I said. “Think like Trump.”
The Pedestrian Menace
“Let's get rid of this pedestrian menace once and for all," he said.
“Think of all the harm that pedestrians do,” Cat explained.“They slow down everything, all those old people shuffling across the crosswalks, scaredy-cat parents inching their baby carriages across the street at .0002 miles an hour."
"Meanwhile, 18-wheelers, Porches and armored cars stuffed with money are backed up for blocks, just because the feeble, the lame, the young and the crippled choose to creep from one side of a road to the other.”
“You’ve clearly done a Vulcan mind-meld with the Orange One,” I said. "These are the kind of laws that make America the laughing stock of the world."
“Instead of coddling pedestrians – especially in Blue States, where they give presumptive rights-of-way to pedestrians, I say: "No more! Put the responsibility where is belongs: on flesh and bone. It will make for a great applause line on the GOP side during the State of the Union:
"Tomorrow, my fellow Americans, I will send to the Congress The Pedestrian Watch-Your-Step & Responsibility Act of 2018."
Any state that requires placement of any sign or device directing motorists to “yield" or even worse, "stop” for pedestrians in any crosswalk, shall be designated as a Loser State when it comes to federal transportation funds.
Postings, if any, shall alert such pedestrians as do damage to any motor vehicle either by means of physical contact, baby carriage, stroller, walker, cane or other such implement designed to aid the feeble and the slow, that they shall pay treble costs to the owner of a vehicle so compromised.
“Sounds right to me,” I said. “And fits in perfectly with our - I mean Trump’s - deregulation philosophy."
Special Interest Provision
“Be my guest,” Cat said.
“Well, there are all those pick-up-your-dog's-poop rules, to say nothing of leash laws that are so ubiquitous wherever you are these days,” I said.
"Just more Nanny State rules," I said, "that are making our country the laughing stock of the world: 'Pick this up. Put that there.' "
"I couldn't agree with you more," Cat said.
"Let's just let dogs go where they want," I declared.
"Perfectly reasonable," Cat said.
The ER Loophole
“What’s that?” Cat said.
“Goes back to the Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act of 1986, a terrible law that has made the United States the laughing stock of the world,” I said.
"It means that hospital emergency rooms have to treat anyone who walks in the door, regardless of whether or not they can pay.”
“It's enough to make any Republican sick,” Cat agreed.
"What's the point of sabotaging Obamacare, if you simply let a poor child, man or woman walk through a loophole that's as big as one of those revolving hospital doors that never seem to work?" I said
"It goes right back to personal responsibility," Cat said. "If you are stupid enough to need emergency care, you should be ready to pay for it. Also, clearing the destitute out of the ERs will reduce waiting times for the rich.”
"We are on a roll, Cat," I said.
“Seems that just this past week, the pendulum has swung way, way too far - in favor of so-called ‘victims,’ ” Cat continued. “I mean, who speaks for the predators?"
"And how can the movie producers, comedians, fast-food managers, the coaches and team physicians who make America great, 'get any,' if the rest of us simply stand around and do nothing? Are we going to become the laughing stock of the world?"
"Let's not let these men be driven out of their positions of power, influence and control, just on the say-so of some used-to-be girls, who back in the day were just as young as Mother Mary when she and Joseph were, or were not, doing something? Before you know it, even the President of the United States won’t be allowed to grab whomever, whatever, whenever.”
“Depressing thought,” I agreed.
“If there’s any justice, The Protect America’s Imperiled Predators Act of 2018 will be getting a big Standing-O at the State of the Union faster than you can say 'Good dog.' ”
"USA! USA! USA!" Cat chanted.
“Nobody channels the 45th commander-in-chief like you do, Cat," I said admiringly.
"Thank you, Phoebe," he said. "It's not often that we can have a civil conversation in these polarized times."
And so it came to pass that, at least in one household, in the nation's smallest state, that different species, with different kinds of ears, different length tails, were able to come together and, in a respectful and considerate way, completely freak out about what's just around the corner.
True, we are just one dog, one cat, but here's what we expect next year:
When it comes to Donald Trump and being mean, there's no equal.
There's no ceiling.
And no floor.
There are no limits.