WHY I SLEEP
A CAT'S STORY
Oct. 14, 2017
Editor’s Note: Phoebe is off today. Nothing new about that. But it’s a chance for Cat to be in charge. He wasn’t all that eager, not because he doesn’t mind leadership, but having to “do everything,” as he puts it, means cutting into his normal sleep time, no small matter. But we explained that he has somewhat of a following, which gets impatient having Cat’s viewpoints filtered through Phoebe. Cat says that “In all candor, having 'somewhat of a following' is having a fraction of a fraction, given the size audience for this blog."
Faithful readers of On Trump’s Trail will be familiar with the many put-downs(or are they puts-down?), to which I’m subjected by The Dog, our blog’s principle writer, although not our blog’s only or most insightful thinker.
Phoebe too often mentions my sleep habits as if they are a moral shortcoming, rather than a perfectly normal function, like eating, licking-and-cleaning one's fur and staring out the window.
Most recently, for example, in our Day 263 Edition, The Dog made reference to my standing as the “Division 6 Northeast Sleep Champion, 2013-2014-2015-2016.”
That’s complete bullshit, not to disparage another species’ waste product. There is no such thing as “Division 6,” a designation implies that the league in which I compete is some minor offshoot of a major one, like Rhode Island’s Pawtucket Red Sox. (We in the animal kingdom appreciate the shorthand title, "PawSox). My friends, there’s only one big playoff “The Northeast Sleep Championships,” the Major League of Sleep, okay? The rest of it, she got relatively accurately.
So, the editors asked me to write something on my sleep habits, which is not a particularly challenging assignment (something I practically could do in my sleep). I’m a patriot, willing to make sacrifices, so here goes:
- Why not sleep? Do you have better ideas for using the precious little time that the Great Lion has given his subjects while here on Earth? When it comes right down to it, is sleeping any worse than the alternative, especially since the evening of Nov. 8, 2016.
- Wouldn’t you sleep as much as possible if you shared a house with a dog like Phoebe, who wants to talk about Donald J. Trump every minute, every hour, hour after hour of every day, day and night, day after day, night after night, week after week, month after month? So I ask you: Given the choice, would you rather obsess about Trump all day and night? Or sleep all day and all night? So, Pal, consider this an open invitation: curl right up here right on my couch, next to your good old Cat...
- Why? To be spared images of the president of the United States throwing rolls of paper towels at citizens of the United States in Puerto Rico after massive hurricanes devastated their communities.
- Why? To dream that the president of the United States isn’t goading, prodding, nudging, elbowing, Tweeting Kim Jong Un into joining with him to start World War III. In the good old days, weren't the North Koreans supposed to be the unstable, crazy ones?
- To avoid hearing the president of the United States urging the National Football League to fire any “son of a bitch” who honors our country’s deepest values – just and fair treatment of all Americans – through respectful protests before the start of football games.
- To not have to listen to the Grouchy One yell, and rant, and scream, and swear, and stomp around the house every single morning as he reads the paper, listens to the radio and watches TV to catch up on “the news.” I mean, how many times can you listen to him yell over to the Nice One: Can you believe this?" Did you see what Trump has (done, said, Tweeted) now? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
- To not think about all the Humans who’ll die or get wicked sick if they don’t get medical care. I mean, even Phoebe and I go to the doctor whenever we need to. Simply on a selfish basis, dead or sick Humans can’t adopt cats (and dogs)/
- To not feel embarrassed and ashamed every waking minute.
- To escape thinking too deeply about the hurricanes, wildfires, rising seas that will put an end the homes of those of us lucky enough to live by the seacoast, because Trump wants to destroy the environment.
- To limit the amount of lies we can hear pouring out of the White House.
- To avoid thinking what will happen if Americans start raising their sons and daughters to be like, act like and grow up to be just like Donald J. Trump?
- So I don’t have to remember all the days of the Trump presidency that have, against all expectation, happened so far. Do you realize we are up to Day 268? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
It’s going to be a long three – and maybe seven – more years.
I know that even reading this will make it harder for you to get to sleep.
But try, my friends, try to get as much sleep as you can.
Because, in the Age of Trump, our worst nightmares are the truly terrifying dreams that occur not when we’re asleep, but when we’re awake.
CORRECTIONS: As you know, we grudgingly make corrections, and when we do, try to shift the blame and make excuses. This posting was originally and erroneously labeled "Day 275," which would have made it a week ahead of time. What do you expect when its written by a cat? Phoebe.