SPECIAL REPORT
A PRESIDENT’S PATHOLOGICAL PAST
PRODUCES PROBLEMATIC PROGNOSIS
FOR PANDEMIC’S POSSIBLE PATH
Can A Serial Liar’s 'Sick tweet' be believed?
PHOEBE AND MR. O met in an emergency session today to analyze news reports that Donald Trump tweeted shortly after midnight that he and his wife tested positive for Covid-19. From the back deck of the Rhode Island house where a sweet dog and an optopossumistic opossum come up with their hair-brained pronouncements on the Trump presidency, Phoebe and Mr. O issued the following statement:
UNLIKE MANY ANALYSTS, we at the TRACKING TRUMP blog have absolutely no special insight into this development.
By now, we understand that it’s utterly foolish and a disservice to our ever-shrinking audience to shoot from the hip, run off at the mouth, leap to conclusions, before the facts are known.
We believe the prudent course is to bide our time before we embarrass ourselves and our profession. But because we’ve had one or fewer persons text us for our analysis, we’ve decided to sacrifice credibility for immediacy. Here are our conclusions:
General propositions:
1. Nothing that Trump says, or is purported to have said, can be presumed to be true.
2. More likely, anything he says is a lie, in whole or in part.
3. Nothing that the White House says in its official statements can be assumed to be factual, in whole or in part.
4. Most presidents lie about their health. Trump lies about everything. You do the math.
Probable possibilities:
a. The Trumps are not sick.
b. The Trumps are much sicker than has been disclosed.
c. Only one of the Trumps is sick.
d. The other Trump is not sick.
e. Only one of the Trumps is much sicker than has been disclosed.
f. See item “d” and extrapolate.
g. Something is definitely going on.
Implications of "something is definitely going on":
Whatever is going on is a ploy to affect the election. One way or another.
As you consider our report, please consider the source: a sweet dog and an optopossumistic opossum. We may or may not update this preliminary nonsense, based on further developments and what’s steaming now on Netflix.
UNLIKE MANY ANALYSTS, we at the TRACKING TRUMP blog have absolutely no special insight into this development.
By now, we understand that it’s utterly foolish and a disservice to our ever-shrinking audience to shoot from the hip, run off at the mouth, leap to conclusions, before the facts are known.
We believe the prudent course is to bide our time before we embarrass ourselves and our profession. But because we’ve had one or fewer persons text us for our analysis, we’ve decided to sacrifice credibility for immediacy. Here are our conclusions:
General propositions:
1. Nothing that Trump says, or is purported to have said, can be presumed to be true.
2. More likely, anything he says is a lie, in whole or in part.
3. Nothing that the White House says in its official statements can be assumed to be factual, in whole or in part.
4. Most presidents lie about their health. Trump lies about everything. You do the math.
Probable possibilities:
a. The Trumps are not sick.
b. The Trumps are much sicker than has been disclosed.
c. Only one of the Trumps is sick.
d. The other Trump is not sick.
e. Only one of the Trumps is much sicker than has been disclosed.
f. See item “d” and extrapolate.
g. Something is definitely going on.
Implications of "something is definitely going on":
Whatever is going on is a ploy to affect the election. One way or another.
- The Undebates: The least Machiavellian scheme is calling in sick will be a way of skipping further debates with Joe Biden, since his attempt to disrupt last Tuesday’s shout fest failed.
- The Miracle: A “miracle” recovery will convince voters to elect Trump after all. He’ll disclose that the “Warp Speed” program to find a vaccine has had a second, but secret, phase: development of a cure. Trump will say he volunteered to be the first to try it as his sacrifice for the nation. “I could have been playing golf; but instead, I, and only I, have taken the miracle cure as my gift to Making America Healthy Again. I’m not saying that I truly had Covid-19, or that the miracle cure will work for anyone else than me, because I and only I is me. But my campaign will distribute millions of MAHA hats by the second week of October."
- Nov. 3? LOL: A more likely strategy is another move to disrupt the election itself, such as demanding the date be changed “until such time as I get well.”
- I Quit: Trump wants to withdraw from the election, because he believes he’s going to lose, and will move to have Vice President Mike Pence take his place.
- Pardon me: With Trump out of the race, conservatives who were disgusted by him, will find Pence palatable and will vote Republican and overcome Joe Biden’s current lead in the polls. Pence, in turn, will pardon Trump, as Gerry Ford did Dick Nixon.
- Pence will lose: Trump, now miraculously recovered, will be able blame the veep for the “pathetic” loss, and immediately begin planning “The Greatest Comeback in Fake History.”
- Should Pence run again: Mike could turn out to be popular enough to run again, and Trump will invite him to Trump Tower in New York City, where, in the middle of 5th Avenue, he’ll put his famous test of popularity to the ultimate test.
- Covid's revenge: Trump, who never had Covid-19 and was “too smart” to risk taking the new vaccine, suddenly will suddenly develop symptoms and cough, causing him to miss his 5th Avenue target.
- Pence grows impatient: Now tired of the criticism that followed his original pardon of Trump, Pence will appoint a commission to advise him on whether he should consider clemency or a second pardon; but for never explained reasons, the panel will fail to achieve a quorum, and thus be unable to produce a final report.
As you consider our report, please consider the source: a sweet dog and an optopossumistic opossum. We may or may not update this preliminary nonsense, based on further developments and what’s steaming now on Netflix.
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