A THERAPY DOG
ANSWERS YOUR “NOVEL” CORONAVIRSUS QUESTIONS
Phoebe holds license # 000085 issued by the City of Newport, R.I., expiring April 30, 2020, so new questions should be submitted with that time period. Her license is limited to the practice of being a dog, and thus her advice on other subjects are her own and not necessarily those of the management of OnTrumpsTrail.com and its subsidiary, the “Tracking Trump” blog.”
(The following section has been updated for clarity).
Dear TheraPhoebe: The Washington Post is reporting that Trump’s signature is to be placed on economic stimulus checks being mailed to millions of Americans. But that's not fair to those of us who will get the money deposited directly into our bank accounts, but who won't receive the actual check with the presidential psycho-scrawl, suitable for framing. Is there a way for us to receive both the direct deposit and the highly coveted check?
- After receiving the direct deposit, go to www.whitehouse.gov and fill out the appropriate form to receive a check with the coveted psycho-scrawl signature on the “memo” line.
- Upon receiving the check, but prior to cashing it, take a photograph of the check, "The greatest, most sought-after and amazing check ever issued in recorded history."
- Cash the check.
- Mount the photograph of coveted check in a garish gold frame and place it on your fireplace mantel, so that it's easily spotted by potential voters, who can appreciate the president's generosity during a time of great personal and national need.
- Since you'll be rolling in cash, buy as many copies of the failing New York Times as you can. (Don't worry that this purchase will benefit the Times, as you will see in Step 6.)
- Set the copies of the Times ablaze in the fireplace, while wearing your MAGA hat and chanting "USA, USA, USA."
Dear TheraPhoebe: Last Christmas, my partner bought me a set of Fiestaware, the vividly colored plates and other dinnerware that first appeared during the Paleolithic Age. They brightened our lives, too. But after weeks of confinement during the pandemic, my partner, when he unloads the dishwasher, stacks them obsessively by color: he starts with two yellow dinner plates; then he puts two dark blue dinner plates on top of those; followed by red-red; light blue, light blue, turquoise-turquoise; etc. Is this a sign that my partner has cabin fever? Should I be worried?
Answer: Darn tooting you should be worried. Fiestaware is so yesterday! What are your friends going to think when you have them over for supper to celebrate the end of the pandemic and they see what kind of dinnerware you’re using? The shame. I just pray you’ll come up with a dessert that will make them forget the main course.
As to your concern about your partner’s obsession with the stacking order, this indeed is very disturbing behavior, and when this crisis is over, you should rush your partner to the nearest Bed, Bath & Beyond (assuming they’re still in business) for an intervention.
Further – and this is important – everyone who owns Fiestaware knows that stacking should follow this protocol, starting with dinner plates: one yellow plate goes on the shelf first; topped by a single red plate; next a dark blue one, and so forth, until you’ve exhausted the spectrum; repeat with the remaining dinner plates. IN THE EXACT COLOR ORDER, do this with the saucers, bowls and other pieces. And you must always begin by stacking the dinner plates first.
Lately, when it comes time for the medical examiner to explain in excruciating detail the “manner of death,” I’ve noticed my partner furiously scribbling notes in her journal, which she then hides in her underwear drawer. Should I be worried?
Answer: You are on target, because you are the target. Your spouse is becoming impatient living with just one person during the COVID-19 confinement, and she is planning – I’m putting this as delicately as possible – to make a change.
Until the confinement ends, I’d take common sense steps to protect yourself, such as slipping a portion of whatever she’s cooked for supper to your cat (but never to your dog) before you proceed to eat; further, you should check the cellar periodically for surgical instruments, and if you find any, run the dehumidifier to keep them from becoming rusty.
Believe me, she IS planning to get rid of you, and I don’t blame her one bit. What in the world are you doing going through her underwear drawer? In my professional opinion, you are a real sicko pervert and you deserve everything that she’s planning to do to you. My only worry is whether she’s learned enough from watching hundreds of hours of “mysteries” to achieve the gold standard: the perfect crime.
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DO YOU HAVE NOVEL questions about the novel coronavirus? Please include them in the “comments” section. Due to the volume we get, please understand that we cannot answer them individually. But be assured our staff tries to read each and every one until they don’t.