CONFUSED BY THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS? A THERAPY DOG ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS
“Doc” Phoebe also writes a blog followed by an international readership so infinitesimal that it cannot be found by Google or any other search engine. Widely regarded as a quack and a fraud, she has been banned by every state regulatory body from giving advice for a fee or for free in any discipline, including but not limited to: volcanology, particle physics, impractical physics, marine science, etymology, criminology, idolatry and vacuum cleaner repair.
QUESTION: I recently purchased a Mercedes S-Class 450. I took out a second mortgage to pay the $94,250 starting price, and still I can't afford to feed or otherwise care for my 11 children, all of whom are under the age of 3. Because of “social distancing,” I’ve also lost my job. I’m worried sick.
DR. PHOEBE: I'm sorry to hear that. What are you worried about?
QUESTION: Can the Mercedes become infected with COVID-19?
ANSWER: As with many aspects of the novel coronavirus, there are factors we’re still learning about. Generally speaking, if your car is still under warranty, you’re safe. But if the warranty has expired, you’re out of luck. As usual.
ANSWER: Yes. And no. Yes, Republicans are more likely to become ill if they are members of the "Dine With Devin Club." Recently, Rep. Devin Nunes, Republican of California, distanced himself from “social distancing” prescribed by health officials to slow the pace of the infection by staying away from large groups in places like restaurants and bars. Nunes was having none of it. "If you're healthy, you and your family, it's a great time to go out and go to a local restaurant,” Nunes said on national TV. “Let's not hurt the working people in this country ... go to your local pub.”
No, if you’re a "Breakfast With Bernie" Democrat. Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders is a champion social distancer. So, while Sanders may not survive his primary fight with former Vice President Joe Biden to win the Democratic nomination, he's likely to live another day to eat by himself in the Senate cafeteria. Turns out he’s just as grumpy in person as he is on the campaign trail, so much so that his fellow Senators reportedly won’t dine with him. Good for them. Good for Bernie.
QUESTION: I’m worried about running out of toilet paper. And the stores shelves are empty because of panic buying and hoarding. What should I do?
ANSWER: Personally, I've never seen the need.
QUESTION: But as a therapist, you certainly don’t condone panic-buying and hoarding?
ANSWER: Of course not. While it is understandable that we fear going hungry, we must learn to think of ourselves as members of a community, not just individuals, recognizing that each person’s actions affects the greater village. For example, you’re cruising the supermarket, and in the freezer section you see that there are only 10 tubs remaining of Breyer’s Natural Vanilla, “made with fresh cream, milk and sugar.” As a responsible and ethical citizen, who knows that many others also crave Breyer's Natural Vanilla, and summoning all of your willpower, you limit yourself to taking just 9 of the 10 tubs.
QUESTION: Does that mean that the Republicans and other people – who up to now have blindly believed everything he says and helped him carry out his cruel agenda that mistreats asylum-seekers and furthers climate change – will change their minds about him?
ANSWER: It’s a mystery to me.
QUESTION: But Doc, you’re a world famous pundit and therapist. Why don’t you have the answers to the questions that I and millions of other Americans are asking?
ANSWER: Because these are weird and strange times. For which I say, thank goodness.
QUESTION: What’s good about it?
ANSWER: It’s good if you’re a therapist.
QUESTION: Doc, I fell asleep during what could be the final debate in the Democratic primary, as Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden "discussed" whether then-General Washington offered Medicare for all as a show of good faith to the troops he implored to stay the course at Valley Forge. Am I a bad civic citizen for nodding off?
ANSWER: You are a patriot. And a well-adjusted one. You served your country well, because medical experts tell us that one of the best ways to weather the COVID-19 storm is to remain healthy as possible, including getting a good night's sleep. Plus, anyone who sat through the whole thing was either paid to do so or crazy. A grateful nation thanks you!
QUESTION: Dr.Phoebe, do you have any other advice for me and other American's trying to cope with the coronavirus pandemic?
ANSWER: As a matter of fact: If you or a friend happen to be in a supermarket, and you spot a fresh supply of "Natural Balance Limited Ingredient Diet Chicken & Sweet Potato Formula," in cans with a green label and small silhouette of a dog, phone my office immediately. We have a crew on standby 24-7, plus a truck capable of transporting up to 50 cases of 12 cans each. We can be there in a matter of minutes.