DEMOCRATS: STOP ACTING LIKE LOSERS
Christmas is over. Santa Claus, bob mueller and nancy pelosi didn't make trump disappear. so, stop wishing and start picking a winning candidate. Now!
There are only 10 months until the election that will decide whether the country will be run by an outlaw another four year and whether the planet will continue its present revenge mission to kill us all.
And there’s no better day to turn things around than New Year’s Day.
Democrats, you do not have to be losers. You have the wherewithal to drive Trump from the presidency and then to clear the way for the United States to lead the rest of the world in healing the wickedly feverish environment.
But you have to get real, and admit that right now that you're leading us into disaster.
Everyone can see it coming, just the way we all could see that England’s Labour Party – led by a jerk – had no chance of stopping “I’m-Just-Like-Trump” Boris Johnson from a huge win that could ruin that country.
Democrats haven’t come up with a credible, charismatic candidate, or a clear message. Both are needed if we're to send Donald Trump back to do the things he does best: cheating at business and talking trash on Tweeter.
If a simple dog like me can see what’s happening, “higher order” Humans surely can. You don’t need my hyper senses of smell and hearing, to figure it out, just your old fashioned common sense.
Do I hear you whimpering for advice?
“Please, please Phoebe….
“… please, please, Phoebe, just shut up and go back to something you know about, like barking at the mail lady.”
Wrong answer, People of Earth. Every dog has his day, and mine happens to New Year’s Day, 2020.
HERE’S MY PLAN to turn losers into winners:
First, to the Democratic candidates: JUST STOP!
End the primary. Park your No Malarkey busses. Come back from white-bread New Hampshire and Iowa. Skip South Carolina. Forget Pennsylvania. Suspend the debates, cancel the TV ads and stop the robo calls; halt endorsements by second-tier actors. All of this makes you look less competent than you really are, while simultaneously really, really annoying and discouraging would-be voters.
Second, head immediately for Plains, Georgia as fast as your chartered jets can take you. Jimmy Carter is out of the hospital again, and we don’t know how long this wonderful, honest and principled man has left.
Jimmy will take you to the Maranatha Baptist Church, where instead of teaching Sunday school, he can lead you all in in prayer.
Now, being a dog, I don’t know whether God exists, or whether She intervenes in earthly matters like elections. Just in case She does, it would be silly to pass up the help, and there’s nobody better than Mr. Carter put you in touch with your Higher Power.
The subject: who among you, or anywhere in the country, is best equipped to defeat Donald Trump and Mike Pence?
You cannot to leave the church until you’ve reached a decision on the Democratic national ticket, both for president and vice president.
I know, you’re saying:
“Crazy Dog, that’s what the voters are supposed to do, not the ‘bosses,’ the ‘elites,’ the ‘leaders.’ The Democratic Party has worked decades to come up with the best, most open, fairest process of selecting our candidates. And you’re asking us to throw all that away – just to beat Donald Trump?”
Correct answer: “Yes.”
Because right now, the process is working exactly in reverse, the drawn-out primary is likely to produce the worst possible candidate, the one who’s least likely to win.
Every one of you looks silly. Bernie waving his arms, Liz hectoring, Joe bumbling, Pete growing up right before our eyes. Wasting your time and ours fighting about what’s the best kind of health insurance when Donald Trump is corrupting the presidency, egging on bigots, toying with nuclear war and directing the entire federal government to speed up climate change.
So just stop all your selfish, egomaniacal and senseless day dreams about becoming president, because it’s not going to happen, and start acting like patriots you say you are.
FOURTH STEP, you may need some help in your deliberations. I’m suggesting you bring in proven “experts" to guide the discussions. Michelle Obama, my personal choice for the nomination, doesn't seem interested, but she'll make an excellent moderator.
Also, you might consider including people who actually have won the presidency: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and, yes, Hillary, because she DID win the most votes three years ago.
I’d also invite Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the most accomplished woman politician in United States history (so far), and also, Chuck Schumer, the Senate minority leader, so his feelings aren’t hurt. And AOC – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – a because she’s the future.
Fifth step, no bathroom breaks. That should speed things up.
DEMOCRATS WILL NOT EMERGE with a charismatic candidate, because now know there isn’t one. But we’ll end up with a serious, credible and capable man or woman who has the best chance of convincing enough Americans to leave their homes for an hour or two and vote.
My guess is that the ticket will look like this: For president, Amy Klobuchar, the Minnesota senator and former prosecutor. She’s likeable, tough, accomplished and, given enough time, can appeal to all the party’s factions.
And for Veep, another credible consensus builder like Sherrod Brown, the Ohio senator, or maybe a governor who knows how things work, like the climate change champion Jay Inslee of Washington state.
Once the ticket is decided, and after the bathroom break, Mrs. Obama can convene the second part of the meeting, which is to make sure that everyone present leaves with a specific assignment.
Mike Bloomberg and Tom Steyer, for example, should pledge their many billions that they’d planned to spend on themselves and instead, direct their fortunes to congressional races, to try to take back the Senate and hold the House.
Sanders and Warren, along with AOC, should be assigned to persuade their crazy-in-love progressives to stay fully committed and not go back to their parents’ basements to sulk. Teams like Cory Booker and Pete Buttigieg should hit the road as ambassadors to the party’s many factions and energize them so that every possible voter will a) register to vote, and b) will actually vote, “because your country needs you.”
I GUESS THAT'S ENOUGH New Year’s Day dreaming for this dog.
If you have a better plan, good for you, just as long as it’s a winning one. Personally, I don’t care who comes up with the solution, only that there is one and that it's a winning one.
Because, come Nov. 3, everyone, whether they realize it or not, has a dog in this race.