COULD HAVING A dOG IN THE WHITE HOUSE HELP TRUMP WIN A DREADED 2nd TERM?
“That he’s going to betray another ally?" Cat replied. "Break another treaty? Tweet another slur?”
“No, Cat,” I said, “I’m worried that Donald J. Trump may get a dog.”
“Who cares?” Cat said. “In fact, that’s just what Trump deserves, a stupid dog.”
This was hardly a surprise. Whatever Cat’s virtues – and I have yet to identify any - he despises dogs. Just the sight of one triggers tantrums of hissing, snarling and yowling, plus an occasional swipe of the weaponized paw.
“What makes you think The Donald might get a dog?” Cat said. “He’s famously anti-dog (which I can appreciate.) It’s one reason some people think he’s unfit to be in the White House. He’s the first president since William McKinley, going back to 1897, not to have a dog. Why? Could be he’s too much the germaphobe to deal with the 3-Ds of dog ownership: Dog Drool, Dog Breath, and Dog Droppings? And obviously he’s too self-centered, too selfish, too vain to take care of any creature except himself.”
“Well, Cat,” I said, “it’s possible Trump may have had a change of attitude. Recall last Sunday when he spoke about a dog after U.S. commandos caught up with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State, who cornered him in a no-exit tunnel.
“He reached the end of the tunnel as our dogs chased him down,” Trump said of Baghdadi. “He ignited his vest, killing himself and the three children.”
“Look, nobody was even hurt,” Trump said. “Our K9, as they call – I call it a dog, a beautiful dog, a talented dog – was injured and brought back.” The dog “was so great,” Trump said, because he was able to get into spaces where a robot couldn’t fit.
And later in the week, Trump tweeted a photo of the pooch, whose name remains a military secret, but whose breed was identified as Belgian Malinois.
“You’re missing the point, Cat,” I said. “With impeachment increasingly possible, you can see Trump desperately trying to change his image, even if it means pretending to like dogs. And what if works – getting a dog gets him a Second Term?”
“This is serious,” Cat agreed.
And so we sat down to unleash our imaginations as what would happen if Trump got a dog.
FIRST QUESTION: What kind of a dog?
“He surely wouldn’t want a dog like you, Phoebe – how can I put this politely – a ‘mixed breed,’ ” said Cat. “For guidance, he would turn to his most trusted advisor on manipulating elections.
“You want a dog with the right kind of papers,” Vladimir “VP” Putin told him on the secure line. “You need to play the race card, Donald, and get a recognized pure breed. I suggest a Borzoi.”
“What’s a Borzoi, Vlad?” Trump says.
“A Russian Wolfhound,” the advisor replied.
“Perfect, Vlad, just what I’ve wanted ever since I was elected: a Russian in the Oval Office.”
“And not just any Russian Wolfhound,” Putin said sternly. “What you want is a beautiful Russian Wolfhound, a talented Russian Wolfhound. And, most of all, a White Russian Wolfhound.
“White, of course, Vlad. That goes without saying.”
“Junior’s been taken.”
“Brilliant. Think of the merchandise and swag possibilities, V.P.,” Trump gushed.
“Happy to lend you as much money as you need to finance that start up,” the Veep replied.
“MAGA™ leashes, MAGA™ collars, MAGA™ water bowls, MAGA™ treats, MAGA poop bags, Vlad,” Trump crowed. “And the foreign policy implications: Let’s say some shithole country wants military aid. We’ll tell them ‘First things first: You’ll need to sign a big trade deal for MAGA™ 'merch’ and then we’ll talk about the fighter jets. Just call Rudy. He'll guide you through the process. And he’s got a catalogue with the complete MAGA™ line.’”
“We’re going to need MAGA™ dogs on the border, Mr. President. A big government contract.”
“Yes indeed, Mr. Vice President. I don’t want to hear the words ‘border collie’ in the Second Term. Any woman or child who makes it over the Wall will be face to face with the world’s hungriest pack of MAGA™ border dogs. Wait until word gets back to Honduras (I like to call it HOUNDuras), Guatemala, and Puerto Rico. Don’t even think about coming to America.”
“What about registering the dog, Donny Boy? You can bet The District of Columbia has the world’s most restrictive regulations when it comes to dog licensing.”
“In our Second Term, Mr. V.P, no dog of Donald J. Trump is going to have his balls cut off. We’ll be saving that little operation for the likes of Shifty Schiff, Sleepy Joe and Nasty Nancy …. No, wait, I need to think about that last one....”
“Right you are, Donny. The Putin Administration will be getting rid all those anti-business restrictions like rabies vaccinations, leash laws, pickup-your-dog’s-poop rules. Think how we regulated Chernobyl. And Donny, pay attention when I’m talking. Sit. Stay. No self-respecting oligarch is going to lend you money for our Genuine MAGA™ Puppy Mills if there are any right-to-know labeling obstructions.”
“Exactly, Mr. President, when I’m in charge – oops, I mean when you’re charge – every MAGA™ dog will run free on Pennsylvania Avenue and go wherever else he wants to go in the Washington swamp; the old rules are going out the window. Every MAGA™ does what he pleases.”
“And Donny, if a MAGA™ sees a sees a pussy during his travels, what do we say?”
“Grab it, you dog! Just grab it!”
“All ears, Mr. President.”
“You remember your famous statement back in 2016? ‘I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.’”
“True then, Vlad. And still true today.”
“Maybe so. But if you’re going to shoot something, make sure it’s not a dog.”
“But what if I decide I’ve had it with that dog, that stupid, low intelligent, disgusting MAGA™ loser dog, just like I eventually do with everyone: my national security officers, my cabinet secretaries, my chiefs of staff, my attorneys general and my wives?”
“Donny, stop your whining. And you SIT when I’m talking to you. We’ve practiced this over and over and over. There are many tricks to winning an election. But pretending that what you’ve just shot on 5th Avenue is a person when it’s actually a dog, that’s not going to cut it. No American, Right or Left, will let you get away with that. Do you think you can remember that one simple trick?”
“Yes, President Vlad: People, yes. Dogs no.”
“That’s my good boy.”