Ten Terrific Things About Trump: The Best List Ever
Hi, everyone, this is Cat.
Phoebe has the day off (big surprise), so I’m filling in.
I bet that headline gave you the willies. You probably just finished reading “1984” or watching the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” where things don’t turn out so hot in the end for the “heroes,” who find out that resistance is always futile. So you’re thinking: “Oh, no: Phoebe’s given up and gone over to the Dark Side.”
Worry not, Happy-Enders. Phoebe will be back soon with her baseless optimism about America being a kind, welcoming democracy that always moves forward and is a beacon of hope to the world and all of that other liberal mush.
In the meantime, I thought I’d bring little “reality” to the blog that you never see in Meanstream Media.
What I’m going to do today is give you is A List of Ten Terrific Things About Trump. It will be a beautiful list. A list of ten things. The most amazing list in the history of lists. You’re going to love it.
YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED that this blog up to now has been filled with terrible, despicable, disgusting, and not-great-for America negativity about me, and never, never has a friggin’ positive thing to say about Cat.
‘Cat blocks Phoebe from going upstairs.’
‘Cat ambushes Phoebe with her Trumpian claws.’
Let me tell you about the real Cat.
Cat is a very successful cat. He may be the most successful cat in cat history. Cat has an excellent health record, even though he barfed all over our humans’ bed last night.
This record will be made available to the public as soon as his vet complete her spellcheck of Cat's chart.
Humans adore Cat. In fact, Cat may be the most
Cat is incredibly handsome.
People are often surprised by just how good-looking he is because usually they just focus on his weight and enormous stomach that Cat drags on the floor, and they forget to look at Cat’s spectacularly handsome face and luxurious striped fur. Cat is beautiful.
Cat is very welcoming of visitors, especially women, and he snuggles up to them as soon as they sit down on a couch or take the seat next to him on an airplane.
THE LIST. I am going to present the Top Ten Terrific Things About Trump List. Your eyes will fall out when you see this list. After you read it, you won’t want to read another list. Ever.
But first, remember earlier how I mentioned that Cat is the most popular cat in Rhode Island? It occurs to me that some lowlife reporter in Meanstream Media right now is turning that into a negative story, reminding readers that Rhode Island is the tiniest state in the country, and he’ll use some cliché like: Large Toad In A Tiny Saucer.
They’re in for a surprise, a development as shocking as the one that the Meanstream Media missed on Nov 8, 2016. I’m not authorized to say right now about the details except to say that I’ve written to President Trump about the fact that the White House doesn’t currently have a cat and offering my services for $1.50 a year.
And you’re saying: Sure, Cat. Sure you’re going to the White House.
Let me mention this: In Rhode Island, we have a saying when we’re looking for a favor from government: “I know a guy.” So let me remind our readers that two of the most beloved and respected people in the new Administration, Mike Flynn, the president’s national security adviser, and Sean Spicer, the press secretary, are both Rhode Islanders. I’ll leave it at that.
So, where was I? The List. Here it is:
The Terrific Things About Trump List
#1. Trump is a great dresser.
Overlooking the weird, long neckties, Trump has great suits. Maybe the best suits ever made in China, suits befitting a billionaire. If you look closely at Donny Trump’s suits in high-def, they seem to fit him really well.
#2. Trump won the Electoral College. Yes, he did.
So, there you have it, a great list, the best list ever.
Yes, right there in the back of the room: You say, “Cat, you promised a list of ten terrific things about Trump. Where are the other eight?”
I never said that. I didn’t say anything about ten or any other number. What I said was that I would give you the best, most impressive list you ever saw. Greatness isn’t a matter of numbers, although Trump has great numbers, maybe the best numbers ever, beautiful numbers.
But it’s not the role of the media to put a number on that list or anything.
Numbers, statistics, all the data that you see in the media: they’re all just part of fake news.