A Truly Trump Thanksgiving
“WHAT DO WE have to be thankful for this year?” I asked Cat.
“That Thanksgiving was yesterday,” Cat said. “So we don’t have to listen to any more drippy What-We-Have-To-Be-Thankful-For-Lists.”
I told Cat that as far as I was concerned, Thanksgiving lasts as long as leftovers, maybe through the weekend.
Not that Cat or I get any of what traditionally are known as “table scraps.” Our Humans adhere to the Consistent Diet Theory, meaning pets should eat the same manufactured food day after day after day to maintain nutritional balance, while Humans keep every crumb and tidbit of real food for themselves.
“Okay, let’s get it over with,” Cat snapped. “What is on the little bitty thing that passes for your mind this Thanksgiving weekend?”
“I’m thankful that President Trump called the father of one of the three basketball players who got caught shoplifting in China 'a poor man's version of Don King and an 'ungrateful fool' because the Dad wasn’t thankful enough to Trump for keeping the kids from an overlong stay in a Chinese dungeon,” I said.
“Yes, Trump made a good point,” Cat said. “That Dad is a cad of the spotlight-seeking kind.”
“Cat!” I hollered. “ Number One: Donald Trump never, NEVER makes a good point. And Number Two, what Trump meant, especially with the Don King bit, is that the Dad is an ungrateful black jerk, who doesn’t know his place. It was a racist putdown.”
Startled, Cat said: “So why is that something to be grateful, I mean THANKFUL for?”
“Because it’s a reminder that the President of the United States likes stirring the pot when it comes to America’s terrible racial hatred,” I said.
“And that’s a good thing? Cat said, incredulously.
“No, it’s a terrible thing,” I said.
“So why are you thankful for a president’s racist Tweets?” Cat said, growing increasingly hysterical.
“Because it’s a reminder of what a horrible person is haunting the White House these days,” I said.
“And who needs reminding?” Cat said.
“We all do,” I said. “Because it seems impossible that a President can act like a racist, and therefore IS a racist. It’s hard to get your mind around. We’re used to Presidents bringing out the best in us, not the worst. We can’t let ourselves ever get used to Donald Trump.”
“AND YOU THINK there’s a real danger of anyone thinking that Trump is actually nice?” Cat asked. “Who do you have in mind?”
“Elephant lovers,” I said.
“You speak in tongues, or tusks, My Friend,” Cat said. “We’re grateful for elephants on Thanksgiving?”
“Are you so deliberately, annoyingly obtuse?” I said. “You remember that the
Administration announced that it was ‘deregulating’ the ban on bringing trophy elephant parts from Africa to the United States – essentially, encouraging the killing of elephants. And then after the elephant-huggers cried a river, Trump Tweeted that he would keep the ban.”
“Now, surely, THAT’S something to be thankful for,” Cat said.
“Did you leave your brain at the shelter when you were adopted,” I said.
“The possibility of Trump saving the lives of elephants is one of those miscues that might make some people say: 'Well, maybe Trump's got a soul, after all. Or a fragment of a soul.' Very dangerous.”
"So when Trump suggested that the serial sex-abuser and shopping mall trolling Republican Roy Moore would be the better Senate candidate in Alabama than the Democrat, Doug Jones, who successfully prosecuted Klansmen for a church bombing, Trump’s endorsement is something to be thankful for?” Cat said.
“Cat, I think you are catching the drift,” I said. "The more consistently Trump acts his true self, the better the chances of more and more people realizing how wretched he actually is, so that eventually, we'll be rid of him.”
“Well then, it turns out that Americans have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, Phoebe," Cat said, "I can't even count the ways."
“Tragically, Cat. Tragically.”